The best way to fall, is in love with me ;)

Haiz.

Something's aren't right. Especially me. What is wrong with me these days? Am I becoming more aggressive in my talking? Or is it just that the influence that has caused me to be like this?

Some how after quarrels with the band, I find myself not getting closer to them. Instead I feel as if I'm drifting away frm them. I have been the one who finds trouble with them for the past 2 weeks. At first I just walked away frm them and saying things which I regretted. Secondly I didnt want to shake hands with them the next day because I got soo fed up alr. Thirdly, I vent anger towards my band members just because they were playing and joking around with me. Lastly, I scolded Helmi unintentionally. Well, you told everyone to scold whenever mistakes are made. I spilled out vulgarities and you weren't happy with it and got mad and just walked out of the jamming room. Maybe it was partially my fault. But it was partially yours too! And if you're not ready to take the blame, then just blame me. I'm fine with it. Seriously. I don't want anybody to feel angry or furious or whatever towards each other. I'm sincerely sorrie guys. I shall keep quiet. Not say a single thing shall be said. Things will go well then will they?

Djah, you have yourself to blame. You didnt tell me what's wrong. I don't know whats the problem with you. It would be much better if you do tell me what I did wrong. You just get jealous easily. Haiz. Maybe you're that kind of person. I definitely can't change that right? I don't wanna say anything. I leave it all to you.

I've been thinking about my life lately. It's so unpredictable isnt it? Everything's going wrong at the moment. It's like, I can't imagine life this way. Maybe this is the downs of life. I have to accept it.

I've been wondering how can I ever get to talk to her once again. It was my fault too. Ahhh. Maybe god wants it to be this way. Then it shall. God decides everything that happens. I hope this happens for a good reason.

I've been wondering whether I can ever be successful with music. Haiz. I really wanna be like those ppl in the popular bands around the world. Well, once again, if I'm fated to be one, I'll be one in future. Everything happens for a reason.

I'm so lonely lah! Well only I understand what that means. Maybe a few out there too. Who cares? I DO!

I listened to Tongue Tied by Faber Drive yesterday. Omg. I fell in love with that song. Anyone who has it, can you pls kindly send it to me via MSN. Thank you so much.

Could someone tell me what to say to just make you stay?

lalalala.

Ngee Ann Polytechnic here I come. =)

I've bought my electric guitar! It cost me $385. Cheaper than I expected but also quite expensive. I've tried it. It sounds great!

I've been showing my attitude to my band members these few days back. I just dont know why I get so mad easily. I just cant control my emotions. I know you ppl are getting sick of me. Just admit it guys. I'd rather hear you ppl say that you're getting sick of it than keeping quiet.

I'll be meeting up with Xp very very soon I guess. He's always out with girls. He forgets me. Hmph. haha. Joking dude.

Sorry to Mabelynn and Max for not being able to slack with you ppl yesterday. I went out to buy my electric guitar. Dont scold me for no reason.

Thanks Wan for doing me the favour. It was late lah! It took you 5 days to do it. Geram nye aku. Tapi takpe. Buat ape yang kau sepatutnye buat. Jgn lupe sudah.

You don't know how very special you are to me.

=( ??

Rezuan couldn't be lying this time. He swore that if he lied, he'll get knocked down by a car.

Why did she say that? Wasnt I there when she needed me? Omg. Was I to blame? I've tried so many times to be always there for her, but the only thing she talks abt to me was him. She likes to keep things to herself. How can I be there for her when she loves someone else?

Perhaps I've tried as a friend. Maybe she didnt see that. To me, she was the one who's ignoring me. I seriously got fed up with whatever she did. I couldnt stand it anymore.

I've sacrificed most of the things just to see her happy with someone else. As a friend, I helped her somehow I guess. Maybe I was wrong to do that. I dont know. I dont understand. I just wanna get things right now.

She stole my heart and didnt return it back. Maybe she just kept it somewhere, ignoring it. Haiz.

I told Rezuan to pass a msg to her. I hope he does it.

Here I go, so dishonestly, leave a note, for you my only one. And I know, you can see right through me, so let me go.

Tired, frustrated .......

Its just a crush Fiz! Don't take it too seriously.

Gosh I'm talking to myself. It's been a tiring 5 days! I was working frm 10-14th feb! Overtime till 3 30am on the 13th. This job is nuts.

Problems came as soon as the job ended. The band had problems. For no reason, I got questioned why I wanted to kick the drummer out of the band. Wth man. I have no intention to kick out the drummer. In fact I didnt even say that. Like wtf. I was soo tired and he made me soo mad. But I didnt show it of course. Keeping my cool that day. I didnt had the energy to raise a new thing up.

Rezuan also talked to me abt him. He has the right to say all those things he said. Yes Wan I totally understand. But chill. You can talk nicer. Don't have to talk in a harsh manner. I don't like it.

I had to cover up why Nurul deleted our contacts frm one guy we knew frm work. He was irritating. That guy just gave me more stress.

I went out to peninsular with Fad today to check out whats the problem with his bass guitar. It is alright. Everything's fine. We went back to tpy and went to fork and spoon to have ice kacang. Sedap man. And I saw hanan. Omg. I was looking at her all the way. I'm such a bastard. haha. Then Fadli asked me 'Fiz, bass aku lawa tak?' I said, 'lawa' and kept on looking at hanan. Then Fad asked me, 'Mane satu? Guitar ke hanan?'. And we laughed and laughed and laughed. hahaha! God. He totally got me. Damn you Fad.

Later on, we met Helmi and Hafizh. We went to KFC to chat. I told Helmi abt why did he think that I wanted to kick Hafizh out of the band. I didnt even say it. He said that I misunderstood him. I totally dont understand. I said I got sick and tired of talking of problems. I wanted to go home. And Hafizh said, 'Go lah'. So I stand up and said I wanted to go off. I thought he was joking when he wanted me to go. He asked me to sit down again. Then he said 'Go lah!'. Like wtf. I seriously went off.

I was abt to take the bus and Fadli pushed me out of the queue. Fuck man. He could have asked nicely. Just fuck off lah.

Well, at first, I didnt want to attend tmr's jamming session. After talking to Fad earlier today, I changed my mind. But after what they did again, I just don't feel like turning up tmr. Let them go ahead without me. I think I understand how Foto feels. He's sick and tired of talking to them. So am I. I'll not quit till they want me too. If they want me, I need time to get a good rest. I get easily stressed because I'm tired after 5 days of long hrs job. I need a good rest. Give me a week guys. I'll be back to myself by then. I'm sorrie for my reaction yesterday and today. Till then guys.

Djah, I don't know how you know. It's just weird. Whatever it is, this must be kept between you and me onli.

I'm tired ppl. I'll blog some other time.

CNY week. So boring!

Happy CNY to all my chinese friends!

Well. I'm bored at home. This week is a totally boring week. I didnt even hang out with my friends. Except for last Monday which I went back to school with XuePeng.

The band haven even met each other since last Saturday. I certainly missed jamming. I can't wait to get my hands on the instruments again. I hope Mr Ali will open his studio tmr so that we can go there to practice.

I can't believe it that I'm gonna work this Sunday. Hahaha. Well, I'll have no life for 4 days! Too bad. I just have to endure it. I need the money to get my electric guitar. I'm gonna miss my Fiona Xie's show 'Maggi and Me'. Season finale! Argh. And I'm gonna miss my Hayden Panettiere lah. Omg. I'm gonna miss the malay show 'Hantu Jatuh Cinta' too! I'm gonna miss lots of shows. Haiz.

I found out more abt the colours of roses yesterday. Thanks to Nona. If not, I wouldnt have known it ever.

KYLE PATRICK IS SO GORGEOUS LAH. When can my hair be like his?! How long? I can't wait lah. I want it to be as long as his. My hair is so messy now. I can't stand it especially when the wind blows.

Oh ya, ppl who read my last post, I'm sorry if its too harsh or whatever it is. I'm just that kind of person. I'm trying to change that.

I'm getting skinnier day by day. Gosh. I need to go for bodybuilding lessons. And I certainly have to eat more. Whatever lah. I'm off.

Please just don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed.

Time to get things straight.

I think I've changed.

I went to the flower shop just now to apply for the 1 week job. The supervisor or whoever called me just now and said that I'm able to start work on the 10th-13th Feb. 9am-11.30pm. 4 days. For money, I would be willing to sacrifice the time of these 4 days.

I went back to school with XuePeng too. We met our teachers. I still didn't get to meet Mrs Suneeth. Haiz. C6 is an insult to me. I feel like retaking English. I want Mrs Suneeth's opinion.

I met Rezuan too. I was finding him all along anw. Saw Azzah and Sharifah with him at that time.

Rezuan asked 'Fiz, don't you miss her?' in malay. I said I don't know. Well wan, actually to be frank, I dont. Why miss someone when that person didnt keep her word, even though it wasnt a promise? It happened a few times. But that very last 'ok' frm her didnt happen and that makes me hate her. I think if I have other friends like her, I will die!

And when we met a few times before, she said 'Fiz has become proud since he's in a band. I know lah Fiz. Friends come and go.' Well she said that. But my reply to her here is that, why say that? I hate it when ppl compare me that way. I'm still the Hafiz you know. I try not to show off that I have a band everytime. I try to keep the 'band' topic away. Sometimes I can't run away frm it. I hate it. Can you ppl pls not talk about my band? I feel that I'm in a position where ppl think that I'm a show off since I have a band. I'm not like that ok. I still wanna be the Hafiz that you ppl know.

And u say that 'friends come and go'. If that comes true, its you who did make it come true ok. I tried my best to still continue to be a close friend to you. But you did what you did. I guess that I was just wasting my time keeping a friend like you. I rather go off with someone who cherishes friendship. I didnt even want to talk to you just now. But I didn't wanna give u the impression that I'm proud since I have a band and went up to you and PURPOSELY ask whether you are retaking O's again. I still think that you have the impression that I'm just proud. Think whatever you wanna think. I can't be bothered.

I would like to say thanks for teaching me last yr. I guess I'll leave now.

To Djah, I think you got it wrong. I didnt mean that you are trying to avoid me. What I meant was it's hard to understand you. Sometimes you go crazy the way you always do. But sometimes, the replies you gave makes me feel that you dont wanna talk to me. I don't understand. And you gave me your reasons. I guess I do understand a little now. But try to keep the BGR topic away. When you're talking to your friends, just keep it the way you are with your friends. Don't let the BGR topic come in lah. Please. My band mentor said, when with the band, just focus on the band stuff. Don't let any personal things come in. So I'm trying to tell you something like this. Don't just because of Haiqal and his gf ex bf, u do this.

I always tell this to myself. 'Let whatever ppl say be a rumour till you find out frm the person itself.' Dont just scold ppl for no reason. And I really dont like to get into quarrels. Everytime, I try my best not to get into it. But sometimes, some ppl just purposely want to. Fuck them!

Now, I want to get it straight and clear. I don't want anyone to come to me and say 'Hafiz is proud ever since he's in a band'. I hate that line a lot. I don't want ppl to think I'm a show off. I just can't get this out of my mind. Being in a band and performing has been my dream and I don't want ppl to think the opposite. It just sucks when that happens. Please ppl. Do support me. Because whenever there's a conflict between me and my friends now, I'm in danger of ppl thinking that I'm a show off just because I have a band.

I admit that I have been hanging out with my band a lot. But guys, I won't forget you. I promise. Do tell me straight in my face if anything goes wrong. Its a promise which is meant not to be broken. Dont be afraid to step up to me when I do something wrong. I'll respect you if you step up. It takes courage to do that. And I see XuePeng has been the one who has done that most of the time. Thank you.

Whatever happens between me and my band, remains with the band. I don't want my band to be in the topic of any conversation unless I start it. I don't want my band to be the reason I ignore ppl. I dont want the band to be the reason that I'm arrogant. Well, I am sometimes but its not because of the band ok! Please ppl, understand. =)

Let whatever people say be a rumour till you find out the truth from the person itself..

Frustrated, pissed. eergh.

I got a job at MDIS but I rejected. I got a job at Jelita or whatever around Clementi and I rejected! And I'm so pissed. Why? Just because I don't wanna work at those places and not get the money I need.

The MDIS job was just sucky lah. I don't like it. The Clementi one starts tmr, but I rejected and said that I'll be willing to wait till next month so that I'll be able to work at Novena. What the hell is wrong with me?! Can't I just go?! I feel that its such a waste to let the opportunity of earning money go just like that. Didnt I keep telling myself that I just need it badly. Argh.

Whatever it is, I have my reasons. My bus fare of course. Just to go to that place at Clementi will use up a few dollars of my Ezlink card. And going back home will use up the same amount. And the food there for lunch break will be expensive. My mum will be broke if I work there.

I'm just so pissed right now. Not only with myself but also towards a few other ppl. Whatever!

December Identity have sorted out the problems at yw@p this morning. I think some of them are still not listening. I just feel like quitting and find other bands which are much more serious. I just want this band to go far. I want the band to go on a world tour someday. Seriously. I'm not joking. If I find that this band can't go that far, I think I'll just quit. The problem lies in each and everyone of the band members. I don't mind quitting just to get into another band which has the same goals and dreams as me.

Now, I feel that Hafizh is not serious enough. Neither is Rezuan. Well, Rezuan has his reasons. I totally understand. School is his top priority. I have nth against that. But he has to sort out between his girlfriend and the band. Everytime there's a band meeting or whatsoever, he still thinks that his girlfriend is much more impt. I just hate that. I can't tolerate it.

I just hope that things turn out right in the next couple of weeks. InsyaAllah.

When a sorry from you don't mean anything to me anymore ..